I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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