More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Randomize
