I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We need to rekindle our bromance
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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