They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
So much Jack, so little girl.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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