If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
