so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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