Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
