Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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