I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
People in love make me want to vomit
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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