After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.