I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
