You're a womanizer and a bitch.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
