I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
This house was built for laser tag.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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