I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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