she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
