I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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