I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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