Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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