you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
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Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
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They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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