I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
