Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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