ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
