why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
