too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
