the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
