The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
