Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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