Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
