Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
