I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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