Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
