Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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