Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
