I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
