he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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