This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
