textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
