awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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