just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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