shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
it's like iHOP with fire
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
