why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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