I faked an abortion last night.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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