finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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