Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
