A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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