Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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