Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Can Purell be used as lube?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
