I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize
