The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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