how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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