Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
