The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
