she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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