I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
