my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
