I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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