Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Randomize
