I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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