Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
