It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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